Thursday, October 11, 2007

Demolition

I'm really not much of a poet... But I've had some lines running through my head and figured I'd try to use them. Since I know folks will ask - it's about the loss of a friendship. So here they are...

I built a shelter in my heart
Where you stayed with me on nights it was cold
You would lie beneath the blanket of my comfort
And take refuge in the words I spoke, soft and clear
The shelter constructed of shared experience and mutual respect,
Of support and dreams, it stood strong and inviting
Sometimes, you would stay for an hour, sometimes a day
And when we left to venture back into the stormy, dark weather of life
I didn’t weep, because I knew we would return
And when we did, I took solace in lending you my safe space

Though I knew you’d never stay for good,
I thought that I would always keep our shelter warm and ready
Assuming it was the one place where we were truly secure
Assuming you felt the same
Telling myself lies in the face of the obvious, painful truth
All for the sake of those hours I felt out of harm’s way
Realizing and ignoring that you took shelter where you could
That you found company and comfort where you could
That my words were nothing special
And your replies were never really mine

Even as you faded
Even as you waned
Even as you came less often and less open,
Those days I couldn’t bear to take down the walls of that place
I couldn’t think of letting my heart release you for good

But things have changed.
Now I believe you were never really as weak or as needful as you seemed
Nor as warm or as comforting as I had perceived you to be
It’s funny what people do when they feel cold
Searching for anything to provide warmth

You should never have stumbled into my shelter
I should never have opened the door

14 comments:

Shannon said...

Wow Nicole. That was a really emotional poem. And one that I think anyone can relate to.

Hannah said...

I can't help but think I'm responsible for encouraging people to write poems. ;)

Nice job, though. Makes me want to hug you. Crappy people--sometimes I wonder if they're worth the words we give them in the end, but it's just so liberating to write them! Let this be a warning to the world. If you do me wrong, I will write a poem about you.

Johnboy said...

Wow, that is powerful and emotive. Not a poet? Hmph...

It's wonderful to be able to express the words and thoughts that run around in your head, if for no other reason that to just let them go.

In my mind, things that truly trouble me need out, else I run the risk of being held hostage to them.

Your expression is exceptional to me.

Nicole P said...

Thanks, S. Now see I don't work ALL the time...

H - I've always written poems... They're just not very good and I don't always publish or share them. Thank you. I know what you mean on both points. It IS liberating to write them. On the other - this particular friend wasn't a crappy person - just not someone I should have let in... They rather deserve the words.

I promise I'll never do you wrong, my dear... ;)

JB - The problem is even after I let the words out, the thoughts sit like stubborn children or peace protesters - refusing to be banished. I think we're all pretty much hostage to our experiences, our histories, and our emotions around them. It's part of being a human that feels and that cares. In my mind, to feel is to bleed, I guess.

Shannon said...

You're a poet...and you didn't know it?

Nicole P said...

Apparently... :O

cesnh said...

I'm awed, you're very talented.
Colleen

Nicole P said...

Thank you, Colleen. That means a lot to me.

kitter said...

I know how it feels to lose a friend Nic, especially one that you have let so close, and shared everything with.

You write beautifully.

Kit xx

Penny said...

Beautiful poem Nicole.

I used to write (other than blogging). Maybe I should start again. I almost signed up for NaNoWriMo, but I'm not that brave nor do I have that much time.

I'm like Johnboy, often if I can put things down on paper I can let them go easier.

Anyway, thanks for sharing this poem. It made me think of someone I once knew.

Nicole P said...

Thanks, Kit - Friendship and love feel dangerous sometimes, don't they?

Penny - Thank you. I hope you do start writing again - especially if it's good therapy for you. I wish it helped me to let go of what I'm feeling, alas, it merely lets me let go of the words. Not so much therapeutic for the heart - but very therapeutic for my over-worked brain...

I think I've decided to start up another blog - probably invite only - for other writing/thinking. Maybe a post about that later today...

Mandy said...

Incredibly powerful and beautifully written.

I understand being private with poetry, but with words like that, it would be a shame not to share them.

I love the phrase "to feel is to bleed", besides is those experiences and thoughts that linger that make us who we are.

Nicole P said...

Thank you, Mandy - I do suppose you are right. The forgettable experiences have less influence on our being, don't they? What really shapes us are the experiences that make us feel, react, that makes us be who we're to be. Thank you for the reminder. :)

Amylia said...

I think it takes courage to post your poetry on your blog, and expose it to the world--some of your deep feelings and emotions and experiences pouring out on the page, so bravo to you for letting us have a peek.