Friday, June 29, 2007

Can I have a break please?

Knowing the answer to the above asked question is no, I suppose I'll just write things out - look them over and then move on with the day.

My incredible bouncing bloodsugar... Has put me in a bit of a tailspin. Started the morning low - rebounded over 200 - seemed to start coming down - then popped right back up again. Enormously frustrating... I really would just like to go back to bed - or not test for the remainder of the day. Perhaps ignorance IS bliss? Unfortunately for me, my compulsive nature won't let me either go back to bed or retire my glucose meter for the afternoon. So, I'll continue to test and continue to get angry and frustrated - thus pushing my bloodsugar up further, I'm sure.

I couldn't get in touch with my friend Gertrude this morning. She's 96 - I've written about her here before. She's a great lady - but she is in her own words "too old to be alive." I call her on a daily basis to check in - essentially, acting as her safety net - if or when (really) something does happen to her - at least I'll be there to help in one way or another. The whole prospect is rather depressing - given what is likely to happen eventually. So - when she doesn't answer the phone, I get panicky. I think about all of the horrible things that could have happened, I fret about how I'm going to make time to get to her house to check, I let my imagination run wild about what I might find when I get there. She didn't answer this morning. I tried before I left the house - then made a stop in before work. She was, this morning, simply sleeping very soundly - as a 96 year old woman is wont to do. But the whole incident left me feeling unsettled. I mean - that was today - but what about tomorrow? Can I really handle this responsibility? Well - you see where this is going... I'm doubting myself in a major way.

This will be me for some of this afternoon. I finished up a grant project I'd been working on early yesterday and handed it up the ladder here at work. I am just waiting on one more response before I have to make edits. I love some parts of the writing for these proposals - however, there are some parts I hate. Eyeing the first of the two sets of edits - I can see that there are more edits in the parts I hate sections than the parts I like. So - fun hours in store this afternoon. I really need to figure out where I want to be career-wise. I'm feeling slightly "trapped" at the moment.

And other things. Lots of them. Worries, weird dreams, a chaotic mind filled with all sort of stuff that I need to just breath away (if only I could). This day needs to end, quickly.

But not before I get a run or swim in - try to bring this bloodsugar down, figure out these edits on a 4:00 postage deadline - and just generally get my sh*t together. And, of course, not before I finish writing this post - which is how I've chosen to spend my lunch hour.

Now that you've all had a taste of my day. Tell me about yours.


Shannon said...

Brendon's numbers have been in the upper 200's to 300's with some 400's sprinkled in. I've had the kids 24/7 because of Jeff's crazy work schedule and thought I was doing a shitty job at infusion set changes. But Jeff did it this morning when he got home and Bren's numbers are still shit.

Jeff pointed out that there was a season change which I forgot about. Plus he could be going through a growth spurt. So I'm feeling like less of a failure.

I've been yelling at the kids a lot. When is summer over?

Anyway, that has been the extent of my week, nevermind my day.

That is a heavy load on your shoulders concerning your neighbor. You'll handle things better than you think when the "time" comes. You'll surprise yourself, I can almost promise you that.

Nicole P said...

So frustrating, for sure, isn't it Shannon? I was thinking the season changes might have something to do with it too - but the thing is, I'm more active now than EVER - and I'm testing consistently - this is supposed to help, right?? GGGGRRRRR

If you were my mom, Shannon, I'd like you even WHEN you YELLED... Because I bet you can be kind of funny when you're doing it.

My concerns for Gert have been eating at me lately. She's not sick - she's just getting slower - you know? Which makes me worry. Worry. Worry. I hope I'm able to live up to whatever comes next.

Chrissie in Belgium said...

Well, i am sorry you are having a carousel day. Usually starting low makes for agood day.....but TOO low means a rebounder like you have had. I get what you mean with the 96 year old. My Mom is "only" in the 80s, but I have to call her every day in Sweden, and when she doesn't answer, well I am with you! My younger brother lives near her but they don't communicate hardly at all! My WEEK, as been HYPOS as my last post says....

Nicole P said...

Thanks, Chrissie -

I'll have to make some time to go and read your post. Once I get through the afternoon. Your mom is lucky to have you :).


Kerri. said...

Oh man, I was under a deadline myself and I'm wicked late to this one but I hope Gert is doing okay.

On the blood sugar tip, I totally know what you mean about test, see a result you don't like, get frustrated, blood sugar raises due to stress, test again ... aren't these called vicious cycles?

Hope you're better today, Nicole. I'm thinking of you.

Nicole P said...

I tested about 18 times yesterday, K - no exaggeration. I'd get angry with the high - bolus - see it not come down fast enough - bolus - it would start to come down - I'd start feeling all wacked out and angry - then it would rise again. Rinse - repeat.

I hate days like it. My rebound today has been meh. Started well - now I'm back to odd sugars. I really need to get my sh*t together and do some basal rate testing... Adding in at least once daily aerobic exercise seems to have spun things a bit...

Or maybe my diabetes is just "brittle.." Har har... :)

gina said...

Nicole holy cow... I just finished a post that had almost the same headline. i feel you!