Friday, February 16, 2007

Me and My Big Mouth

My mind and my mouth – and the things that come out of them– are, I think, both one of my greatest assets and my greatest weaknesses. I almost always think before something comes out, sometimes I even over-think. But I don’t always have the most popular opinion – and I’m not always that graceful in terms of how I say or write things.

Among some gems in my catalogue:

At age five:

Sr. Ida (Catholic School Kindergarten teacher): And so Noah had two of EVERY kind of animal on the ark.

Me (sitting on the floor looking up, stretching and waving my hand): Sr. Ida, what about the dinosaurs, I don’t see their picture here?

Sr. Ida: Well, there were no dinosaurs.

Me: That’s a LIE. I saw the dinosaurs at the Children’s Museum. This is a stupid story.

Off I went to the principal’s office before I could corrupt the precious young minds of my classmates.

And then later to my mother:

Me: Why did Sr. Ida lie? She says those stories in the Bible are true, but then she lies. Why?

There was never a good answer.

At age ten:

Host in a Restaurant: You’ll have to wait to be seated.

My grandmother (on the third round of chemo for the cancer that would eventually take her life): Is there a bench we could use while we wait?

Host: No

My grandmother: Then I’ll sit here. (Taking a seat at an empty table just by the door)

Me: (Whispering and giving host a knowing look) It’s OK, mister, she’s got C-A-N-C-E-R.

My grandmother told me before she died that that day I became her hero again. I still miss her.

At age eleven:

Upon meeting my father’s girlfriend, she was wearing blue shorts with teal socks and a red top.

GF: (Outside of my father’s presence): Just so you know, I DON’T like children.

Me: Just so you know, I think you’re ugly and your clothes don’t match.

At age fifteen:

In high school CCD class where the teacher had just expounded his theory that God sent AIDS to punish gay people.

Me: Really? What kind of disease is God going to send to punish you for being an idiot?

Lucky me, I got kicked from the class! My mother says this is one of her proudest moments.

At age twenty:

In college, after being told that handing out condoms as part of a class project around safe-sex and AIDS prevention was simply not allowed.

Professor: You simply can’t pass out condoms – it would ENCOURAGE our students to have SEX!

Me: Good Lord, you really think they need encouragement? We’re in college – remember?

Professor: So you think college equals sex?

Me: No, but I think nineteen year old guys and nineteen year old girls wanting to impress or please them plus booze plus the absence of our parents certainly equals sex. Then again, I’m not that good at math.

Professor: Is your blood sugar low?

Me: Ah, no.

At age thirty three:

Just recently, talking with my boyfriend about the rapid decline of the dealership he works for during the day. The dealership had been around in a small town, owned by a popular family, for over 80 years before being bought out last year by a crew of slick, greasy, guidos from Johnston, RI.

Bob: They just couldn’t make it work.

Me: Maybe because they’re out-of-towners trying to sell “Honders with leathah interiahs” to people who don’t know what the hell that means…

So you see how it is. I rarely feel sorry about what I say or how I say it – even if I get in trouble over the words, even if I make someone dislike me. And I wonder – is this a flaw or a strength – do you think? Is it a little of both?

As I was writing my last post – I thought of the times I’ve said odd or totally irrational or illogical things during a low bloodsugar, the times I’ve said exactly the opposite of what I truly feel or mean, or the times I’ve imagined myself something to say in the middle of a low – just to be able to hear my own voice – to know that I can still speak.

I am thankful for my voice, but maybe on occasion, I wish it were quieter, I wish I were less apt to wanting to be heard.

Now I’m just babbling…


Chrissie in Belgium said...

Don't change anything - you are great the way you are. I think your ability to reply quickly is a STRENGTH. I always think of stuff I should have said only LATER!

Vivian said...

Oh Nicole, I was rolling through this post. Never change a thing, you are perfect.

Nicole P said...

My mother calls me the "clever child." The thing is, sometimes a clever response is NOT the most appropriate... :)

Oh, Viv, far from perfect. But I'm glad I gave you a good laugh.

Kerri. said...

Can't ... stop ... laughing ...

The bit about telling off your father's girlfriend ... I love it!!!

Change nothing about you, or your big mouth. EVER.

Paige said...

These things were begging to be said. Thank god you were there to do it! Keep it up.

Nicole P said...

Kerri - Thankfully that particular relationship has gotten slightly less tense over time. :)

Paige - It can be trying being the one who ALWAYS says them though. Funny, at times, but trying too.

Sandra Miller said...

Don't. Change. A thing.


I love this entry, and admire you all the more for its contents.

Nicole P said...

Aw, Sandra, that's a high compliment - and I thank you for it.

Rachel said...

You don't know how much I needed this. But it made me laugh so hard.

(And some of it is because a couple of the funniest things that Greg has ever said was when he was low/recovering from a low. Hmm, maybe that's post material?)

Shannon said...

Why the hell would you want to quiet that wonderful voice of yours.

My favorite was the professor asking if you were low...."ah, no". LMFAO.

Your Catholic school examples reminded me of when I was flipping around the channels and started watching a show on a religious channel with an old chubby nun who had a group of kids sitting at her feet while she told them the story of Jesus' birth. She talked about the Virgin Mary, blah, blah ,blah and asked the kids if they had any questions. A little girl in pigtails raised her hand and asked "What's a virgin?" I watched to see what the nun would answer and boy was it a bullshit answer.....that little girl could've been you, Nicole :)

P.S. Don't ask me why I stayed on that channel instead of passing it by. Divine intervention maybe? ;)

Nicole P said...

Shannon -

That professor pissed me off something awful. We actually did the condom give away anyhow - I got Trojan to give us 500 condoms which were distributed by a team from the radio station and my dorm on campus. A great marketing deal for Trojan - a nice reminder for our friends about safe sex and protection. That rebellious streak near got me kicked off campus.

That's an AWESOME story about the nun and that little girl. I know I never asked that question, though I did ask Why the Bible was so mean to Mary Magdelene, What a woman of ill-repute was, and (after being told the story of the Angel Lucifer at eight) Why God needed to be the boss so bad. The Catholic faith left me with nothing but unanswered questions, though the Bible is filled with gorgeous stories.


Scott K. Johnson said...

VERY much a strength in my opinion.

Sure, I can appreciate that there are circumstances where it might not be best to say what you are thinking.

But - there are also times where it's just what the doctor ordered, and the rest of us are too chicken-shit to say.

Rock on!

Nicole P said...

Hopefully, over the years I've learned which times are which...


cassandra said...

these big mouth stories are all awesome! it doesn't sound like a problem to me!!!!