Sunday, June 25, 2006

Today

Too many days thinking
Worrying
Taking my time and giving my all
And hoping

Too many times
Forgetting
Minutes and hours lost in a woozy wave
And resurfacing

Too much of my life
Working
Against and with a partner? I can't see
And managing

Too often
Cursing
The uncertainty, the unpredictability, the nonsense
And hating

Too long
Knowing
That I can only do so much
And living

Today is my Anniversary. Although I feel proud of the way I live with this disease, I still long to know what my life might have yielded without my having diabetes. That debate has certainly been had around the OC -- you know, "the would you choose not to have been diagnosed" one -- I just can't help feeling that, even with the lessons I've learned, this is an Anniversary that I certainly would rather not be marking.

6 comments:

Andrea said...

First off- I want to say congratulations on this anniversary...
Yes, I think life would be easier without having to worry about Diabetes, but given that this is the fate we have been given, i feel it's best to accept it and do the best we can- and it sounds like you are doing jus that...which I think is great.

Don't get me wrong, I hear you loud and clear...and I often feel the same way. I wonder how my life would be different if I didn't have this disease.

I know one thing for sure, I wouldn't be as stressed. As things stand now, my diabetes is constantly at the back of my mind- even when I'm not thinking about it directly.

However, being an anxious person as is, I'm sure some of my anxiety would still be there regardless of this disease. I think things like personality would basically be the same- I know my personality is basically the same as before dx. It doesn't change the person I am.

I guess on these types of anniversaries it's natural to feel a little sad, but I think, ultimately, these things that do not kill us, do make us stronger. I think it's wise to acknowledge all the feelings we have, even the not so positive ones, but then also realize that having Diabetes and the experiences that come along with it has shaped us and made us stronger people.

All the best :)

julia said...

It's the Chinese Water Torture of it that really drags me down. I know, I don't have it, so I don't know what it's like to live with the disease, but I do know the endlessness of it. It's kind of mind-numbing to think about. Mind-numbing when it isn't heart-stoppingly scary.

You are doing a great job. You're a great inspiration to me, as a parent, as someone who is living well with diabetes. I really love knowing that it's possible, not in an abstract, but in an actual, living person.

Shannon said...

Here's to another year of good health :)
That's about all that's worth celebrating in my opinion.

I loved your poem.

Kerri. said...

It's an honor to watch you mark this day with the grace and poise you possess every day.

Coffee. Soon. I may be around on Tuesday night for an hour or two if you want to meet up...

Nicole P said...

Kerri - I sent you an email. Please let me know if you don't get it. Would love to do Tuesday. What time? -- N

J said...

Thinking of you on this day that brings us together as fellow bloggers and online friends hopeing you have another year of good health. hugs