I am more aware of my pump site today than I have been in the entire time I've worn a pump. The connector sits on my thigh, a white island in the sea of peachy skin that is my thigh. It doesn't hurt -- in fact, there's no discomfort whatsoever -- but it's more *there* than is usual.
I have always been a stomach and butt girl when it's come to my diabetes. For years, I insisted on giving my shots in those two areas -- and those two areas alone. My mother begged, pleaded, and bribed me into trying my arms and legs and hips, but when I did use them, it was infrequently and always very trying. I would work myself into a frenzy worrying about how much it might hurt, how the bruises might look, how much more the insulin might sting. So, naturally, when I got my pump, I returned to the areas that were most comfortable and over the past several years my poor stomach and butt have become a field of red dots that never seem to go away.
Then Julia posted this about her daughter and the need to try a new site. I guess it is both an advantage and a disadvantage to have one's own trials with diabetes, and one's own fears and worries about trying new things around the disease, posted on the internet. An advantage because you must realize that you're not alone when you read about your own misgivings in someone else's words. A disadvantage, because, if you're anything like me, you feel more compelled to take action when someone points out that the problem that you've been fooling yourself into thinking is really no problem at all is an issue that you must address.
Last night, I put my very first pump site into my thigh. I will admit that I worked myself into the usual frenzy, worrying about hitting something and hurting myself and stinging insulin -- and worrying about all the pump issues accompanying this new site -- Am I going to pull it out? Will this pose a problem getting dressed? Am I going to drop my pump in the toilet when I try to go to the bathroom? What about the gym?
My mind raced as I pressed the needle against my thigh and took a good deep breath. I was shocked at the lack of discomfort -- at the absence of pain as I pushed the needle through and secured the connector to my skin. And there was no extra insulin sting when I filled the cannula and when I gave my first bolus through the site. I slept through the night without pulling the site free and have successfully maneuvered the bathroom process without any floating pump issues.
Goofy as this probably sounds, I felt more proud of myself (related to my diabetes) today than I have in quite a long time. Once again, I muscled through anxiety and fear and I came out ahead of this disease.
I surprised myself... You know why?